Who do I want to be?/ systems analysis

Haha...I tried answering this question for myself in early June. And my response was limited. I figured that the identity that colleges were interested in would be my work identity. For the most part, I still believe this is true. Nonetheless, today's Bible assignment gives me an excuse to think about what type of person I want to become. (or the type of person who I don't want to become)

So, what do I admire? What qualities do I wish that I had? Whenever I think about my own identity, I imagine myself looking through the windows of an all glass mall, staring at another me. He makes my weaknesses clear. This individual is so ideal. What does he do? He can get along with kids; he can kid around; he knows what he is doing; he is not tense; he is in tune with those around him; he knows what is best for himself; he gives of himself for others; he is slow to anger; he has wisdom; he is in tune with what God wants; he is deliberate; he never cloaks; he knows how he feels and can cope with it....He is everywhere. And yet, he is no where. He isn't here. He's behind the glass. He's someone who I wish I was that I'm not. He is the ideal.

My anger. Somehow, I've carried this great bitterness in my heart for the last few years. I remember my dad telling me that he sensed a strange discontentment within me. Although I said nothing to him, my thoughts were screaming, "No duh, I have a literal stronghold of anger in here!" Whenever I let it loose or feel indignant, this burning, a firey hate rises up and consumes me. I feel it coursing through my veins giving me purpose that knows no bounds but absolute victory. I don't know for sure where it comes from. But my guess is that it comes from my hate of myself. Overall, I'm not happy with who I am. Maybe it's greed that drives me, a hunger for improvement and progress. Whatever the source, I tend to despise myself on multiple levels for multiple reasons. Whether it be letting someone down, wasting someone else's time, or just doing something plain stupid, I am usually in a state of self-dislike. This is primarily because, pride goes before destruction. Whenever I gain a single gram of confidence, I mess up. I find that it is better for me to be uncertain of myself than to trust myself. This may cause an emotional imbalance.

After some time of thought, I have realized that the root of this problem stems from the tendency to block spikes or anomalies. Whenever the system encounters a inconvenient or unreasonable anomaly, it simply blocks it out. It becomes mechanical so that it can run the appropriate calculations. The system is designed to assess the worst possible scenarios to prevent further disappointment anomalies from arising.

Although this system has minimized damage on various levels, it has also hindered efficiency and overall performance. The phase shift system's energy drain value has nearly doubled, and the Trans-Am system must be constantly utilized to compensate.

The cloaking function of this unit must also be overused in order to prevent the discovery of the design flaw. Unfortunately, the cloak has a high particle consumption rate.

This unit generally receives commands from the FSH but rapid use of the system has jammed transmissions.

Jonas Arche