As much as I thought that I had chased it away...it comes back to haunt me.
It was hard at first...believe me. It made me feel evil. Not doing what I used to. So, I asked for advice, and all sources told me to do the same thing. And I did. It seemed to work. Over time, I became desensitized. It was bordering apathy. But the best part! Natural. Everything felt fine, perfect, normal. What I had always wanted and yet not. My theory was correct. Had I not...none of this would ever have happened. Had I not...I would have been temporarily been spared the pain and the joy. Had I not...ignorance would have been my bliss. It saddens me and yet I am glad. For it taught me much about the nature of life, of existence, and of the supernatural.
But, I decided to give it all up. Because it was too much of a burden, a distraction, something that would hinder me. And now, when I need focus the most, when resolve must kick in, it returns to haunt me. I thank those who gave me advice. They were right. That was the best course of action. Then. But now...I must make a choice.
I have been told that I can be an extremist. And that is true. And now is the moment when my extremism is screaming for a decision so it can carry me away. One side wants an encore...the other enjoys apathy. Neither side is truly right or wrong. Each side has its pros and cons as well.
To think, that all it took was a large consumption of cookies and planning to remind me of this. To break my apathetic state, this was all that was needed. But it may seal my doom.
So, for now...APATHY FTW! It is rather sad...even pathetic. But what else can I do? I know I am too weak, too feeble, too uncultured, too inexperienced, too unwise, too foolish (even this post is a testament to that).
But :P The sharky must swim onwards. The reef is behind. He must remember that. He seeks the open seas, and other sharks and FAT TUNA to munch on. Above all else, he must remember the sea urchins, sea anemones, and coral can be deceiving. If he isn't careful, he'll end up like his reef shark friend Reefy. And Sharky will join his grave.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Who do I want to be?/ systems analysis
Haha...I tried answering this question for myself in early June. And my response was limited. I figured that the identity that colleges were interested in would be my work identity. For the most part, I still believe this is true. Nonetheless, today's Bible assignment gives me an excuse to think about what type of person I want to become. (or the type of person who I don't want to become)
So, what do I admire? What qualities do I wish that I had? Whenever I think about my own identity, I imagine myself looking through the windows of an all glass mall, staring at another me. He makes my weaknesses clear. This individual is so ideal. What does he do? He can get along with kids; he can kid around; he knows what he is doing; he is not tense; he is in tune with those around him; he knows what is best for himself; he gives of himself for others; he is slow to anger; he has wisdom; he is in tune with what God wants; he is deliberate; he never cloaks; he knows how he feels and can cope with it....He is everywhere. And yet, he is no where. He isn't here. He's behind the glass. He's someone who I wish I was that I'm not. He is the ideal.
My anger. Somehow, I've carried this great bitterness in my heart for the last few years. I remember my dad telling me that he sensed a strange discontentment within me. Although I said nothing to him, my thoughts were screaming, "No duh, I have a literal stronghold of anger in here!" Whenever I let it loose or feel indignant, this burning, a firey hate rises up and consumes me. I feel it coursing through my veins giving me purpose that knows no bounds but absolute victory. I don't know for sure where it comes from. But my guess is that it comes from my hate of myself. Overall, I'm not happy with who I am. Maybe it's greed that drives me, a hunger for improvement and progress. Whatever the source, I tend to despise myself on multiple levels for multiple reasons. Whether it be letting someone down, wasting someone else's time, or just doing something plain stupid, I am usually in a state of self-dislike. This is primarily because, pride goes before destruction. Whenever I gain a single gram of confidence, I mess up. I find that it is better for me to be uncertain of myself than to trust myself. This may cause an emotional imbalance.
After some time of thought, I have realized that the root of this problem stems from the tendency to block spikes or anomalies. Whenever the system encounters a inconvenient or unreasonable anomaly, it simply blocks it out. It becomes mechanical so that it can run the appropriate calculations. The system is designed to assess the worst possible scenarios to prevent further disappointment anomalies from arising.
Although this system has minimized damage on various levels, it has also hindered efficiency and overall performance. The phase shift system's energy drain value has nearly doubled, and the Trans-Am system must be constantly utilized to compensate.
The cloaking function of this unit must also be overused in order to prevent the discovery of the design flaw. Unfortunately, the cloak has a high particle consumption rate.
This unit generally receives commands from the FSH but rapid use of the system has jammed transmissions.
Jonas Arche
So, what do I admire? What qualities do I wish that I had? Whenever I think about my own identity, I imagine myself looking through the windows of an all glass mall, staring at another me. He makes my weaknesses clear. This individual is so ideal. What does he do? He can get along with kids; he can kid around; he knows what he is doing; he is not tense; he is in tune with those around him; he knows what is best for himself; he gives of himself for others; he is slow to anger; he has wisdom; he is in tune with what God wants; he is deliberate; he never cloaks; he knows how he feels and can cope with it....He is everywhere. And yet, he is no where. He isn't here. He's behind the glass. He's someone who I wish I was that I'm not. He is the ideal.
My anger. Somehow, I've carried this great bitterness in my heart for the last few years. I remember my dad telling me that he sensed a strange discontentment within me. Although I said nothing to him, my thoughts were screaming, "No duh, I have a literal stronghold of anger in here!" Whenever I let it loose or feel indignant, this burning, a firey hate rises up and consumes me. I feel it coursing through my veins giving me purpose that knows no bounds but absolute victory. I don't know for sure where it comes from. But my guess is that it comes from my hate of myself. Overall, I'm not happy with who I am. Maybe it's greed that drives me, a hunger for improvement and progress. Whatever the source, I tend to despise myself on multiple levels for multiple reasons. Whether it be letting someone down, wasting someone else's time, or just doing something plain stupid, I am usually in a state of self-dislike. This is primarily because, pride goes before destruction. Whenever I gain a single gram of confidence, I mess up. I find that it is better for me to be uncertain of myself than to trust myself. This may cause an emotional imbalance.
After some time of thought, I have realized that the root of this problem stems from the tendency to block spikes or anomalies. Whenever the system encounters a inconvenient or unreasonable anomaly, it simply blocks it out. It becomes mechanical so that it can run the appropriate calculations. The system is designed to assess the worst possible scenarios to prevent further disappointment anomalies from arising.
Although this system has minimized damage on various levels, it has also hindered efficiency and overall performance. The phase shift system's energy drain value has nearly doubled, and the Trans-Am system must be constantly utilized to compensate.
The cloaking function of this unit must also be overused in order to prevent the discovery of the design flaw. Unfortunately, the cloak has a high particle consumption rate.
This unit generally receives commands from the FSH but rapid use of the system has jammed transmissions.
Jonas Arche
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Singapore...dang I feel stupid...
As I stepped out of the 777 at the Changi Airport, a myriad of things whizzed through my mind: Dang, that 777 is fast...it can achieve 585mph as opposed to 450mph; hmmm...it's not as warm as I expected; ooh...TRAVELATOR!!!; where's Daniel? Oh, he's behind me; Hm...that bloke looks suspicious; Why aren't people speaking in Mandarin?; and of course I'm Back...
Even though I don't live in Singapore, coming back here is like a breath of fresh air (as Lee Hom Wang would say it). Things are so familiar and yet foreign. The Singaporean people are the same as they always have been: work focused, a bit grumpy, having heavy accents, and looking plain Asian. I guess that's why I like Singapore so much. It makes me feel more Asian. Wait...dude...you are Asian X_X ? Well that doesn't mean that I am content with my Asianness. As I tuned through the familiar radio stations (riding in a taxi from the airport), I just sat there and let my ears listen to the sweet stream of Mandarin lyrics. No, I have no idea what they're saying, but I find it exceptionally soothing.
I arrived at the hotel an hour after landing to be greeted by my relatives. Sigh, let's see...my aunt's and uncle's were pretty much the same. My cousins had changed a bit. Fai was a bit calmer, had less wild hair, but he was still taller than me. (apparently I haven't grown much QQ) Ling reminded me of a mini CCS person. As we went to eat dinner, the awkward silence came along. I had anticipated it's arrival so much that I grinned when I tried asking my cousin about life in Mandarin and English. You see, Singaporean students are required to study both Chinese and English. However, my cousin's English isn't that fluent, so he doesn't understand everything I say. (TANGENT WARNING) Actually, one of the main reasons I wish I was born in Singapore is just so that I could be fluent in Chinese and not so fluent in English. Yeah, English is one of the most efficient languages, but I feel as if I should know Chinese because I'm CHINESE. In addition, I greatly enjoy the method of transportation. For some reason, I never looked forward to getting my license, which is why I don't have it yet QQ. I'd much rather walk around, take buses and trains to get to work and to school. That's what most people do here. They scan their little MRT fare cards and hop on then scan again and hop off. I'd rarely take public transit in the U.S. frankly because, I don't find them very clean. Dang, Singaporean hacks. Singapore is obsessed with being clean. The airport is cleaned literally 24-7 and the buses and subway trains never seem to age even though they've been around for ten years.
Another reason, I wish I was born in Singapore is just the schooling system. It seems so much harder here. My cousin is two years younger than I am, but he has so much homework. It's ridiculous. For example, standard test prep for a grade 6 placement exam weighs 4 kilos (about 8 pounds) Now, keep in mind, that is merely the test prep for SIXTH GRADE. That's crazy. Looking at my cousin's work and the school system in general, I feel as if I'd have a better education here.
With so many advantages in Singapore, I sometimes wonder if I should move here. I don't mind the hot and humid weather. Actually, I welcome it. And I often think about who I'd be if I had grown up here. For the longest time, I figured that I'd be a better person if I had been born in Singapore.
No longer...
A few people I know have this thing where they can look at people and get a rough idea of their personality and all these other minor details. Now, it may sound like first impressions, but it isn't. Their predictions are usually accurate. Maybe it's more like a perception of character. In whatever case, when I looked around at the people who were my age in Singapore...all I gathered from their faces was a superficial happiness...a drive to achieve...to make money...to marry and be "happy"...but nothing more. I can't explain it. For some reason, they seemed so shallow. This feeling had been even more prevalent in Hong Kong, but I never expected it to be widespread in Singapore. This observation made me wonder, "So, would I have been like one of them?" Now, for sure, there are some truly happy people in Singapore, but it just seems like a lot of people are consistently disappointed. I admit, I am by no means Mr. Sunshine happy face blah blah, but the look in those people's eyes...cold determination, an unstoppable desire for personal gain, just bothered me.
I guess I can be glad I'm not like them...that I wasn't absorbed into the culture...but I still have sentimental attachment to this small island.
Listening to Mandarin Music by Victor something....
Jonas Arche
Even though I don't live in Singapore, coming back here is like a breath of fresh air (as Lee Hom Wang would say it). Things are so familiar and yet foreign. The Singaporean people are the same as they always have been: work focused, a bit grumpy, having heavy accents, and looking plain Asian. I guess that's why I like Singapore so much. It makes me feel more Asian. Wait...dude...you are Asian X_X ? Well that doesn't mean that I am content with my Asianness. As I tuned through the familiar radio stations (riding in a taxi from the airport), I just sat there and let my ears listen to the sweet stream of Mandarin lyrics. No, I have no idea what they're saying, but I find it exceptionally soothing.
I arrived at the hotel an hour after landing to be greeted by my relatives. Sigh, let's see...my aunt's and uncle's were pretty much the same. My cousins had changed a bit. Fai was a bit calmer, had less wild hair, but he was still taller than me. (apparently I haven't grown much QQ) Ling reminded me of a mini CCS person. As we went to eat dinner, the awkward silence came along. I had anticipated it's arrival so much that I grinned when I tried asking my cousin about life in Mandarin and English. You see, Singaporean students are required to study both Chinese and English. However, my cousin's English isn't that fluent, so he doesn't understand everything I say. (TANGENT WARNING) Actually, one of the main reasons I wish I was born in Singapore is just so that I could be fluent in Chinese and not so fluent in English. Yeah, English is one of the most efficient languages, but I feel as if I should know Chinese because I'm CHINESE. In addition, I greatly enjoy the method of transportation. For some reason, I never looked forward to getting my license, which is why I don't have it yet QQ. I'd much rather walk around, take buses and trains to get to work and to school. That's what most people do here. They scan their little MRT fare cards and hop on then scan again and hop off. I'd rarely take public transit in the U.S. frankly because, I don't find them very clean. Dang, Singaporean hacks. Singapore is obsessed with being clean. The airport is cleaned literally 24-7 and the buses and subway trains never seem to age even though they've been around for ten years.
Another reason, I wish I was born in Singapore is just the schooling system. It seems so much harder here. My cousin is two years younger than I am, but he has so much homework. It's ridiculous. For example, standard test prep for a grade 6 placement exam weighs 4 kilos (about 8 pounds) Now, keep in mind, that is merely the test prep for SIXTH GRADE. That's crazy. Looking at my cousin's work and the school system in general, I feel as if I'd have a better education here.
With so many advantages in Singapore, I sometimes wonder if I should move here. I don't mind the hot and humid weather. Actually, I welcome it. And I often think about who I'd be if I had grown up here. For the longest time, I figured that I'd be a better person if I had been born in Singapore.
No longer...
A few people I know have this thing where they can look at people and get a rough idea of their personality and all these other minor details. Now, it may sound like first impressions, but it isn't. Their predictions are usually accurate. Maybe it's more like a perception of character. In whatever case, when I looked around at the people who were my age in Singapore...all I gathered from their faces was a superficial happiness...a drive to achieve...to make money...to marry and be "happy"...but nothing more. I can't explain it. For some reason, they seemed so shallow. This feeling had been even more prevalent in Hong Kong, but I never expected it to be widespread in Singapore. This observation made me wonder, "So, would I have been like one of them?" Now, for sure, there are some truly happy people in Singapore, but it just seems like a lot of people are consistently disappointed. I admit, I am by no means Mr. Sunshine happy face blah blah, but the look in those people's eyes...cold determination, an unstoppable desire for personal gain, just bothered me.
I guess I can be glad I'm not like them...that I wasn't absorbed into the culture...but I still have sentimental attachment to this small island.
Listening to Mandarin Music by Victor something....
Jonas Arche
Monday, July 6, 2009
July 5
Everything has its Pros and Cons. It's a natural fact of life that almost nothing can be completely good without some type of negative side-effect. It reminds one of podracer parts. Oh yes, the nostalgia of star wars pod racers. I remember buying a used part for Anakin's racer and noticing that the twofold increase in speed damaged the vehicle's cooling capabilities.
I'll admit...I'm not fully content with my physical body's capabilities. I'm grateful that I'm not handicapped and can move around relatively freely, but the simple fact is that I'm kinda scrawny. Hey, in this American culture, everyone is so worried about being too fat. Look around, there's weight watchers, Jenny Craig, and thousands of other weight loss programs out there. What about those unfortunate ones who weigh too little? Seriously...it's rather discouraging when someone who is about six inches shorter than you weighs fifteen pounds more than you and is still considered normal. What does that make me then? According to the doctor, my height and weight are way below average. I'm almost off the growth chart. Just today, the guys in my cluster were talking about how heavy they were. I was 15 pounds lighter than the lightest of them. It was very sad. You'd think that a fully functional mobile suit would at least be equipped with adequate propulsion systems. And for the most part, the orbital frame has served me well. However, it's just discouraging when I have to increase output so much just to keep up with others' cruising speeds.
Nonetheless, today..I am glad that I don't weight too much. Rock climbing at Boomers didn't seem like a good idea at first, but my friend Octavio convinced me to do it. I have a fear of heights. I get goosebumps going off the ten foot tall diving board. Climbing to the top of a flimsy forty foot cliff was crazy, I told myself as I put on the double harness. However, in the end, my light weight served me well. Because I’m so light, I was actually able to make it up to three out of the four sides of the cliff. So, I guess I’m happy.
Surprisingly, this Sunday, the pastor gave a sermon about being happy with who you are…ironic eh? X_X
I'll admit...I'm not fully content with my physical body's capabilities. I'm grateful that I'm not handicapped and can move around relatively freely, but the simple fact is that I'm kinda scrawny. Hey, in this American culture, everyone is so worried about being too fat. Look around, there's weight watchers, Jenny Craig, and thousands of other weight loss programs out there. What about those unfortunate ones who weigh too little? Seriously...it's rather discouraging when someone who is about six inches shorter than you weighs fifteen pounds more than you and is still considered normal. What does that make me then? According to the doctor, my height and weight are way below average. I'm almost off the growth chart. Just today, the guys in my cluster were talking about how heavy they were. I was 15 pounds lighter than the lightest of them. It was very sad. You'd think that a fully functional mobile suit would at least be equipped with adequate propulsion systems. And for the most part, the orbital frame has served me well. However, it's just discouraging when I have to increase output so much just to keep up with others' cruising speeds.
Nonetheless, today..I am glad that I don't weight too much. Rock climbing at Boomers didn't seem like a good idea at first, but my friend Octavio convinced me to do it. I have a fear of heights. I get goosebumps going off the ten foot tall diving board. Climbing to the top of a flimsy forty foot cliff was crazy, I told myself as I put on the double harness. However, in the end, my light weight served me well. Because I’m so light, I was actually able to make it up to three out of the four sides of the cliff. So, I guess I’m happy.
Surprisingly, this Sunday, the pastor gave a sermon about being happy with who you are…ironic eh? X_X
July 1
July 1
Why is it that the good times always fly by so quickly? In moments of bliss you look around, examining how awesome life can be at times. Your friends are there, laughing, enjoying life with you. The sun is there, lighting up the sky to bring joy to your gathering. And for this long moment, the grassy knolls of yore materialize beneath your feet. Yet, to those outside this moment, the bystanders who walk on normally, nothing has changed. Soon, as this good time comes to a close, you fall back into normalcy and time goes back to normal. As the time warp ends, you become like everyone else around you. The world crawls slowly once more, and you begin to wonder why those good times can't last. Or...you don't think at all and continue with your day.
Sitting here in Middle Earth, I wonder why this moment feels so long. It's only been 3 days, and yet it feels like I've been here for quite a while. The first two days were kinda rough. Awkwardness was everywhere. But now, it seems that almost everyone has come out of their shells, including me. The first day...I literally was silent. It was one of the oddest things. My roommates, and I didn't talk at all. For a while, I didn't even mind. It seemed that we were all quietly sheepish. Day 2 was different. We exchanged some quick words at breakfast. Colby showed us one of the songs he mixed. It wasn't bad at all. Today, we actually talked a bit more, but they have homework. Colby is in the music cluster, and Stephen is in the puzzle cluster. Even though I'm in Chemistry, I have almost nothing to do but think about college apps and worry about the summer work that I can't do because I'm at camp.
My cluster is different from my roommates. We spent so much time together. The 20 of us ate lunch at our eight-shaped table (GO CLUSTER 8!!!). The first day was a bit weird, but now things are falling in. It's funny how you meet new people, and they remind you of your other friends. That's how it is for most of the people in my cluster. Let's see...Kendell is like an amped up version of Ken. Ashley is somewhat like Athena but much snappier. I almost thought that Rebekah was the person I volunteered with at Kaiser until I realized that she was taller than me X_X. Brendan is like a clone of Max. Henry reminds me of Elton and Victor combined. Daniel reminds me of Nathan but quieter. Michael reminds me of Wellington. I think I've seen Regina somewhere before, but I can't remember where. It's so odd when your brain fails to match things up properly. Anyway, we're a really close knit cluster even after just three days. After playing so many silly games, we had to get to know each other.
Overall, the cloaking field has been of little use at COSMOS. It drained to much energy so I lowered it whenever given the opportunity. Besides, I have very little use for it. Although I actually had to reset the FCS today after a breach in the phaseshift caught me off guard, damage to the E-carbon was minimal and easily repaired.
Now, in terms of the science stuff...most of what I've done is review. It's like AP chem all over again. But the teachers are good. I got to work with some grad students on spectroscopy. Who knew that shining light at a chemical could tell you so much. We didn't get to use a laser but the entire place was a laser lab. I saw one laser with a power output of 100W...it wasn't on XD. Tomorrow is going to be another lab, and I can't wait. This time we actually get to use the laser, and it goes PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW very very fast. It's a pulse laser with picosecond pulses.
Why is it that the good times always fly by so quickly? In moments of bliss you look around, examining how awesome life can be at times. Your friends are there, laughing, enjoying life with you. The sun is there, lighting up the sky to bring joy to your gathering. And for this long moment, the grassy knolls of yore materialize beneath your feet. Yet, to those outside this moment, the bystanders who walk on normally, nothing has changed. Soon, as this good time comes to a close, you fall back into normalcy and time goes back to normal. As the time warp ends, you become like everyone else around you. The world crawls slowly once more, and you begin to wonder why those good times can't last. Or...you don't think at all and continue with your day.
Sitting here in Middle Earth, I wonder why this moment feels so long. It's only been 3 days, and yet it feels like I've been here for quite a while. The first two days were kinda rough. Awkwardness was everywhere. But now, it seems that almost everyone has come out of their shells, including me. The first day...I literally was silent. It was one of the oddest things. My roommates, and I didn't talk at all. For a while, I didn't even mind. It seemed that we were all quietly sheepish. Day 2 was different. We exchanged some quick words at breakfast. Colby showed us one of the songs he mixed. It wasn't bad at all. Today, we actually talked a bit more, but they have homework. Colby is in the music cluster, and Stephen is in the puzzle cluster. Even though I'm in Chemistry, I have almost nothing to do but think about college apps and worry about the summer work that I can't do because I'm at camp.
My cluster is different from my roommates. We spent so much time together. The 20 of us ate lunch at our eight-shaped table (GO CLUSTER 8!!!). The first day was a bit weird, but now things are falling in. It's funny how you meet new people, and they remind you of your other friends. That's how it is for most of the people in my cluster. Let's see...Kendell is like an amped up version of Ken. Ashley is somewhat like Athena but much snappier. I almost thought that Rebekah was the person I volunteered with at Kaiser until I realized that she was taller than me X_X. Brendan is like a clone of Max. Henry reminds me of Elton and Victor combined. Daniel reminds me of Nathan but quieter. Michael reminds me of Wellington. I think I've seen Regina somewhere before, but I can't remember where. It's so odd when your brain fails to match things up properly. Anyway, we're a really close knit cluster even after just three days. After playing so many silly games, we had to get to know each other.
Overall, the cloaking field has been of little use at COSMOS. It drained to much energy so I lowered it whenever given the opportunity. Besides, I have very little use for it. Although I actually had to reset the FCS today after a breach in the phaseshift caught me off guard, damage to the E-carbon was minimal and easily repaired.
Now, in terms of the science stuff...most of what I've done is review. It's like AP chem all over again. But the teachers are good. I got to work with some grad students on spectroscopy. Who knew that shining light at a chemical could tell you so much. We didn't get to use a laser but the entire place was a laser lab. I saw one laser with a power output of 100W...it wasn't on XD. Tomorrow is going to be another lab, and I can't wait. This time we actually get to use the laser, and it goes PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW very very fast. It's a pulse laser with picosecond pulses.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Moving on
Sometimes...when life comes at you with a curve ball...you miss. You swing with all your might the bat of your resolve, your commitment, your joy, your heart. But...when that ball flies past you and you don't even touch it...all your energy...all your strength goes to waste. At least when life catches you off guard, you have an excuse for misdirecting your resources. But when you see the inevitable on the horizon, when the impending sunset harkens the depth of night, when dread peaks out of your heart is about to become reality, you feel pretty stupid that you didn't prepare for this moment. You could have done so much to make things better, to alter the course of events. Unfortunately, the truth is, you did what you could...you saw it coming...you planned to counter it...you failed.
Thus...is where I stand. Over the past few months...I have contemplated this event and even went through some possible outcomes in my mind. In the end, non of my simulations were accurate. I had prepared myself for all these possibilities save the one that actually happened. And now, there is a feeling of stupidity and utter hysteria at my condition. Who would have thought that I had such a large part of my identity attached to this group? I knew yes. But I didn't believe. I knew that today would hurt, but I didn't expect a feeling of emptiness in my heart.
But, every shark must move to new waters. When the food supply has run out or when there are simply no other friendly sharks to converse with, he must bade farewell to the coral reef and swim into the open ocean. Unfortunately, this shark that am referring to does not like being alone. In fact, he'd rather be swimming with dolphins then swimming solo.
I have two options. Forget everything or remember and feel the pain of loss. Neither of these choices are very optimistic or practical, but what else can one do?
Thus...is where I stand. Over the past few months...I have contemplated this event and even went through some possible outcomes in my mind. In the end, non of my simulations were accurate. I had prepared myself for all these possibilities save the one that actually happened. And now, there is a feeling of stupidity and utter hysteria at my condition. Who would have thought that I had such a large part of my identity attached to this group? I knew yes. But I didn't believe. I knew that today would hurt, but I didn't expect a feeling of emptiness in my heart.
But, every shark must move to new waters. When the food supply has run out or when there are simply no other friendly sharks to converse with, he must bade farewell to the coral reef and swim into the open ocean. Unfortunately, this shark that am referring to does not like being alone. In fact, he'd rather be swimming with dolphins then swimming solo.
I have two options. Forget everything or remember and feel the pain of loss. Neither of these choices are very optimistic or practical, but what else can one do?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wings of Freedom
The Freedom Gundam...debateably the popular mech ever created. With its angelic blue wings, lightning agility, and deadly firepower, it is a powerful force on the battlefield. But, why Freedom? Why pick such a name for a hunk of metal with a nuclear reactor stuck in its chest? Because freedom is something that everyone wants to a certain extent. They want to know that they are in control.
Two days ago, I had a shot at freedom. My mindset changed...I was no longer limited by my pre-programmed FCS (Firing Control System [this is a metaphor!!!]). No, it was different. Things were natural. I felt no need to shoot down an incoming missile. I just let it fly past me. It made no difference. If I were a shark, I would say that I finally got out of the reef chasing after clownfish and decided to go to the open seas where I belonged. I glided on my fins, my wings to freedom and here I am now.
Surprisingly, I became free because I let go of the controls. I let Veda control my gundam. I let the currents carry my shark through the depths. I had prayed long and hard for this momment...and as always, it was not what I had expected. Yes, there is joy in this momment of freedom, where I let go, but something is amiss. This is what I wanted, but a bitterness haunts me, a foul taste in my mouth that a shark gets after munching on coral. Yes, things seemed fine today. I felt no obligations, no demands, no directives. I let go. But at the same time, I cannot help but think that my letting go cost me something. But what is it? I can be myself now. I don't need to line up the dominoes just so that someone else can come by and knock them down. No. There are no dominoes. And as I sit here...working on AP Lang...all I can think is: "Did I really want those wings so early?" Those wings of freedom that let me be free without giving me responsibility? But what could be better than to put my trust in the Almighty for something as fickle as this? Nothing. So I will take up these wings of freedom and float about, glide, until I am brought back down to earth to finish my task.
So this morning, I will wake up and say to myself.
"Jonas Arche, ZGMF X-10A Freedom...Launching"
Praying that I've done the right thing.
Jarche signing off...
Two days ago, I had a shot at freedom. My mindset changed...I was no longer limited by my pre-programmed FCS (Firing Control System [this is a metaphor!!!]). No, it was different. Things were natural. I felt no need to shoot down an incoming missile. I just let it fly past me. It made no difference. If I were a shark, I would say that I finally got out of the reef chasing after clownfish and decided to go to the open seas where I belonged. I glided on my fins, my wings to freedom and here I am now.
Surprisingly, I became free because I let go of the controls. I let Veda control my gundam. I let the currents carry my shark through the depths. I had prayed long and hard for this momment...and as always, it was not what I had expected. Yes, there is joy in this momment of freedom, where I let go, but something is amiss. This is what I wanted, but a bitterness haunts me, a foul taste in my mouth that a shark gets after munching on coral. Yes, things seemed fine today. I felt no obligations, no demands, no directives. I let go. But at the same time, I cannot help but think that my letting go cost me something. But what is it? I can be myself now. I don't need to line up the dominoes just so that someone else can come by and knock them down. No. There are no dominoes. And as I sit here...working on AP Lang...all I can think is: "Did I really want those wings so early?" Those wings of freedom that let me be free without giving me responsibility? But what could be better than to put my trust in the Almighty for something as fickle as this? Nothing. So I will take up these wings of freedom and float about, glide, until I am brought back down to earth to finish my task.
So this morning, I will wake up and say to myself.
"Jonas Arche, ZGMF X-10A Freedom...Launching"
Praying that I've done the right thing.
Jarche signing off...
Friday, April 10, 2009
I can't type...but writing is worse (and college stuff)
Really...why have a blog? I mean journals are just as effective right? No. I can't write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I write at around 40wpm at my maximum speed. Writing in a journal has that classic feel to it, but life doesn't come with time for leisure. You have to make it yourself. Thus, this blog has been brought into existence so that I can readily vent and spew thoughts at a slightly faster 60 wpm. I mean an extra twenty words per minutes is a lot. If everyone typed just a little faster, can you imagine how many more words we could save? Now I sound like a PG&E commercial.
This blog is probably going to be very helpful when it comes time for college essays. Seriously, I heard of people turning their blog posts into college essays and plan to do the same. Meh, college. All my senior pals have already decided where they're going, and I wish that I could have applied for college this year. It's just going to be that much harder to apply next year, which really makes me wonder about the whole college system. Let's see, you take a few people and have them sit behind desks all day reading the essays of students and their credentials. These readers are told that they can only let in a certain number of each ethnicity and instructed to through away weak applicants. Most importantly, these readers must use their own judgment. What other selection process could be more biased and prone to error? Even drafting baseball players is more structured. You pick the players based on their skills and reputation. For colleges we have readers who have never met these students who have to infer everything about the personality of the student based on essays. Personality...what is a likable personality? "Make yourself likable" says the college reader. Well, likable is such a relative term. For example, I like sharks. I think that sharks are some of the awesomest animals in the world. My favorite cuddly things in my house are a few plushy sharks that I bought from the dollar tree. I was actually planning to call this blog the shark tank but realized that the title would draw too many sharklovers to this site. Anyway, most people don't like sharks. But, I find them likable. What's to stop ivy league college admissions officers from doing the same thing? Not much. I've heard stories where people got into programs just because their essays were humorous or "very interesting." Right now, college admissions seems like a game for brownie points. You take your essay, beat it so that it makes you look good to your reader, modify stuff here and there to make it "acceptable" and then shoot it off, praying that it makes its mark. Wow...that was a bad tangent.
This blog is probably going to be very helpful when it comes time for college essays. Seriously, I heard of people turning their blog posts into college essays and plan to do the same. Meh, college. All my senior pals have already decided where they're going, and I wish that I could have applied for college this year. It's just going to be that much harder to apply next year, which really makes me wonder about the whole college system. Let's see, you take a few people and have them sit behind desks all day reading the essays of students and their credentials. These readers are told that they can only let in a certain number of each ethnicity and instructed to through away weak applicants. Most importantly, these readers must use their own judgment. What other selection process could be more biased and prone to error? Even drafting baseball players is more structured. You pick the players based on their skills and reputation. For colleges we have readers who have never met these students who have to infer everything about the personality of the student based on essays. Personality...what is a likable personality? "Make yourself likable" says the college reader. Well, likable is such a relative term. For example, I like sharks. I think that sharks are some of the awesomest animals in the world. My favorite cuddly things in my house are a few plushy sharks that I bought from the dollar tree. I was actually planning to call this blog the shark tank but realized that the title would draw too many sharklovers to this site. Anyway, most people don't like sharks. But, I find them likable. What's to stop ivy league college admissions officers from doing the same thing? Not much. I've heard stories where people got into programs just because their essays were humorous or "very interesting." Right now, college admissions seems like a game for brownie points. You take your essay, beat it so that it makes you look good to your reader, modify stuff here and there to make it "acceptable" and then shoot it off, praying that it makes its mark. Wow...that was a bad tangent.
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